Bully vs. Coach: Understanding Your Inner Critic
That little voice in our head. The one that pushes us, questions our choices or reminds us to do better is often trying to help. But how it goes about doing that can make a big difference.
In my work with folks, the idea of the inner critic often comes up. I have found that breaking it down into two distinct types (The Bully and The Coach) can help people better understand their internal dialogue. And it can help begin to shift in a healthier direction.
Both Want to Motivate You… But One Does It Better
Let’s be clear. Both the Bully and the Coach come from a similar starting point. A part of us that wants to be the best, improve, or avoid failure. But their methods are very different. Which causes their outcome to be very different as well.
The Bully: Harsh, Critical, and Unrelenting
The Bully starts with good intentions. Maybe it’s pushing you to do your best or holding you accountable. But it often slips into toxic territory fast. Think:
“Why can’t I ever get this right?”
“I’m not good enough.”
“I’ll never be as successful as them.”
This kind of self-talk may feel like “tough love”, but over time it wears down on self-esteem and can lead to anxiety, burnout, or shame. The Bully uses fear and criticism to try to motivate us. As a result it often leaves us feeling stuck or unworthy instead.
The Coach: Encouraging, Supportive, and Grounded
In contrast, the Coach uses the same motivation-based approach, but with compassion and belief in our abilities. It says things like:
“I’ve done hard things before, I can do this.”
“I didn’t get it this time, but I’m learning.”
“Let’s figure out what I need to succeed.”
The Coach helps us grow from a place of self-worth, not self-judgement. It believes in our potential and motivates us through encouragement, not criticism. As a result, we feel empowered and capable.
How to Tell Which Voice is Leading
A quick gut check: After listening to your inner voice, do you feel empowered or defeated?
If you’re feeling anxious, ashamed or like you’ll never be enough then it’s likely the Bully taking the lead. If you feel challenged but supported, and ready to take the next step then that’s the Coach in action.
How Therapy Can Help Quiet the Bully
Many of us learned the Bully voice early in life. From family, school or past experiences. But that doesn’t mean we are stuck with it.
Therapy offers a space to:
Recognize and name our inner critic
Shift our internal dialogue from judgement to compassion
Practice self-talk that supports our growth instead of tearing us down
If you’re tired of being hard on yourself and want to start feeling more supported by your own thoughts, therapy can help. Reach out to schedule a session and start building a better relationship with yourself.
